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1、“一部杰作”BUZZFEED“最大胆的喜剧女演员”魅力杂♥志♥“喜剧界的一股力量indiewire“动作英雄的心头好”纽♥约♥时♥报♥“激动人心”卫报泰格诺塔洛又见面了心与灵魂J相隔千里的来电JJHellofromtheothersideJ4J至少我能说我已经尽力了JJAtleastIcansaythatvetriedJJ对你说声对不起J1jTellyoumsorryJ帕特里克嘿你怎么样了?谢谢帕特里克情况已经恶化到毛巾去了(我看到拖拉机!)还有CHB献给牛仔瑞克大家好Hello.谢谢你们布鲁克林的朋友们Tha
2、nkyou,peopleofBrooklyn.拜托你们知道那不是我的风格Comeon.Youknowthatsnotmystyle.天啊这真是太令人兴奋了Oh,mygosh,thisissoexciting.还有我的妻子斯蒂芬妮是今晚的导演Also,mywife,Stephanie,isdirectingtonight.好的不过今晚我才是主角好吗?Allright.Tonightsmynight,though.Okay?事实上她到目前为止在我们俩当中Actually,sheis,byfar,outofthetwoofus,是我们家最受欢迎的themostpopularinourfamily.可
3、能在其他地方也一样Andpossiblyelsewhere.但是But,urn.没错她很出色Yes,sheswonderful.但我们经常一起工作Butweworktogetheroftentimes,我们会一起出门一起回家andwellleaveandcomehomeatthesametime.然后有一天我自己一个人回家AndonedayIcamehomebymyself当我走进家门时警报提示道:andwhenIwalkedin,thealarmsaid,“侧门打开了”Sidedooropen.然后我们的儿子开始大喊Andoursonstartedyelling,妈咪回来了”“妈咪回来了Mo
4、mmy,shome.Mommyshome!他们叫的是斯蒂芬妮ThatswhattheycallStephanie.然后我转过拐角我们的儿子芬恩回头看着我AndthenIcamearoundthecornerandoursonFinnlookedbackatme.然后看着他的弟弟说:“原来是她”andthenlookedathisbrotherandsaid,Itsjusther.仿佛是在说不用费事了Asiftosay,Dontevenbother就连稍微转个头.都不值得evenslightlyturningyourhead.这种失望是个巨大的打击Theletdownissomonumental
5、.从我的错误中学习1.earnfrommymistake.在麦克斯和芬恩出世之前BeforeMaxandFinncamealong,大家总是给我们一些典型的建议peopletoldusallofthetypicalthings你们一定要去旅行你们的睡眠时间会很少ofmakesureyoutravel,yourenotgonnagetalotofsleep.没有人提到这种几乎每天Nobodymentionedtheutterhumiliation都要经历的尴尬至极的局面thathappensonanear-dailybasis.就像“原来是她”1.ike,It,sjusther.另一个例子是:A
6、notherexample:在睡前我和儿子麦克斯一起上楼Atbedtime,IwaswalkingupstairswithoursonMax,他问我能不能给他讲个故事andheaskedifIwouldreadhimastory.然后我就想嗯这挺好的AndIthought,Well,thiswillbegreat.我们可以共度一段特别的小时光Wecanjusthavealittlespecialmomenttogether.我会紧紧地依偎在他身边给他读一本书llsnuggleinrealclosetohimandreadhimabook.他挑了个故事Hepicksoutastory.然后我正在
7、给他读Andmreadingthebook.他只是盯着我看He,sjuststaringatme.我大概读到第四、五页Igettopage,like,fourorfive,然后他就说:“你能出去吗?”andthenhesays,Canyouleave?没问题Absolutely.我很抱歉Myapologies.但你能感觉到他就好像在说“是的我明白”Butyoucouldtellhewasjustlike,Yeah,1getit.“小动物想它的妈妈还是什么的”Thelittleanimalmissesitsmommyorwhatever,“但我真的很累所以“快滚吧”but,uh,Imexhaus
8、ted,sobeatit有一次在半夜我和斯蒂芬妮已经唾得很死了StephanieandIwerecompletelydeadasleep芬恩突然走进来inthemiddleofthenightonetimewhenFinncamein直接挤进了我们中间andjustwedgedhislittlebodyrightbetweenus.他就这样挤了进来Justgotrightinthere.然后在黑暗中传来一抹小声音说Andtheninthedarkness,thislittlevoice.“我有两个妈咪吗?Ihavetwomommies?1我说:“是的你有两个妈咪”Isaid,Yes,youha
9、vetwomommies.然后他说:“我不想要两个妈咪”Andhesaid,Idontwanttwomommies.”我就坐在那里想天啊这局面似乎已经难以收拾了Andmsittingtherethinking,Oh,mygosh,thistrainhasleftthestation.而且因为当时很暗我无法跟斯蒂芬妮对视Andalso,becauseitwasdark,Icouldn,tmakeeyecontact使眼色问她“我们该如何处理这个问题呢?”withStephanietobelike,Howarewegonnadealwiththis?但是过了一会儿他说:“我想要三个妈咪”Butth
10、enabeatlater,hesaid,Iwantthreemommies.我听成“猫咪Iwaslike,Phew.好险啊Thatwasclose.但同时我也从没想过居然是我们的小儿子Butalso,Ineverimagineditwouldbeouryoungson为我们打开了婚姻的大门whowouldopenupourmarriage.但作为一个好家长Butbeingagoodparent,我立马上网安排Iimmediatelygotonline.我创建了一个新的个人页面Startedanewprofile.“一个正在寻找第三个妈咪的小男孩”SayingLittleboyinsearcho
11、fthirdmommy.“仅接受最近的照片”Recentphotosonly.他们现在七岁半了Theyresevenandahalfnow,开始感觉生活又恢复正常了anditsstartingtofeellikelifeiskindofnormalagain因为我们有足够的睡眠时间也能够出去社交了becauseweregettingsleepandweregoingoutandsocializing.我们去了电影首映会我们晚上11点回到家那是个重要的夜晚Wewenttoamoviepremiere,gothomeat11:00.Itwasabignight.问到家后斯蒂芬妮马上就睡着了Andw
12、henwegothome,Stephanieimmediatelyfellasleep.而我因为肚子疼一直无法入睡我就想AndIwasupwithastomachache,andIjustthought,“嗯我不想因此打扰她”“我相信这没什么”Well,mnotgonnabotherherwiththis.msureitsnothing.我所有的健康问题最后都不是什么大事所以Allofmymedicalissuesendupnotbeingabigdealanyway,so.这次又会有什么不同呢?Whywouldthisbeanydifferent?然后过了几个小时情况变得越来越糟Andthe
13、nacoupleofhourspassanditjustgotworseandworse.然后我直接转向她说“天啊我很痛苦”AndIjust,IturnedtoherandIsaid,0h,mygosh,“我肚子疼得要命”minsomuchpainandmystomachskillingme.然后她迷迷糊糊地说Andshewasreallygroggyandsaid.“会不会是因为你在电影首映会上Doyouthinkitwasallthepopcornthatyouate吃太多爆米花了?”atthepremiereofthemovie?然后我说我不AndIsaid,Mm,Idonot.我吃爆米
14、花已经快50年了vebeeneatingpopcornforalmost50yearsnowand,uh.虽然不是一直吃但也差不多但这不是爆米花引起的疼痛Notconsistently,butalmost,andthisisnotpopcornpain.然后她说:“好吧那你赶紧起来换好衣服”Andshesaid,Well,whydontyougetup,getdressed,“我们要去急诊室”andwe,llgototheemergencyroom“因为我觉得我们不应该冒险”becauseIdontthinkweshouldtakeanychances.然后我说:“我甚至不确定自己是否还能走路
15、AndIsaid,Well,Idon,tevenknowifIcanwalk.“我真的很疼”minsomuchpain.然后她说:“你走不了路?那我要打911了”Andshesaid.Youcantwalk?Well,thenmcalling911.然后布鲁克林的朋友们AndpeopleofBrooklyn.她打了911结果一个高大的消防员Shecalled911andagiganticfiremanappeared出现在我们卧室门口atourbedroomdoor.这家伙身高超过一米八穿着橡胶靴Thisguywasoversixfeettall,hadrubberbootson,消防裤肌肉发达firemanp