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1、Haverford先生在你车祸的当天早上Mr.Haverford,onthemorningofyourcrash你是一个人在车里吗-是的wereyoualoneinyourcar?-Yes.法官大人这是一场意外YourHonor,thiswasanaccident.显而易见我不想把台词喂您嘴里但是.Plainandsimple.Idontwanttoputwordsinyourmouthbut.本案拒绝受理casedismissed.而你当时在发短♥信♥对吧Andyouweretextingatthetime,correct?你怎么敢先生Howdareyou,sir
2、?我在发推Iwastweeting.请读下证物CPlease,readExhibitC,你的推特副本就在接下来的车祸之前的thetranscriptofyourTwitterpageleadingtotheimmediatellyfollowingcrash.9:15连续四个绿灯#上帝保佑#9:15.Fourgreenlightsinarow.#blessed9:17开快点啊蓝色思域该死iiiiii#足球妈妈#9:17.Drivefaster,blueCivic.Daaaaaamn.#soccermoms9:18得超过这位女士ejkerkj9:18.Gottapassthisladyonthe
3、ejkerkj,.那是我撞上消防栓的时候ThatswhenIhitthefirehydrant.抱歉据说撞上消防栓的时候Sorry,allegedlyhitthefirehydrant.9:20刚刚撞上消防栓了但我活下来了9:20.Justhitafirehydrant,butIsurvived.电影不死劫主角名叫Mr.Glass“#不死劫#*unbreakable.”#玻璃先生最近怎样了#WhatsMrGlassuptothesedays?#咋没拍续集#whynosequel?举证完毕法官大人Prosecutionrests,YourHonor.Haverford先生你的问题是开车时眼睛不看
4、路Mr.Haverford,youhaveaproblemkeepingyoureyesontheroad而看着你的电了设备andoffyourelectronicdevices.我要拟定一个符合罪名的惩罚mgoingtotailorapunishmenttofitthecrime.一周禁止使用屏幕Oneweekwithoutscreens.包括手♥机♥平板电脑电视-一切东西Nophone,tablets,computers,television-anything.不拜托了把我扔进监狱吧No!Please,sendmetojail!只要有疏忽一周变成一个月Anysl
5、ipups,andthatweekbecomesamonth.请交上你的手♥机♥Turninyourphone,please.好吧最后一条推吗Fine.Onelasttweet?法警Bailiff!按-按发送键啊法警按发送Pr-presssend,bailiff!Presssend!公园与游憩公园与游憩第5季第4集第5季第4集你好呀Howdy.嘿这身打扮怎么回事啊Hey!Whafswiththeget-up?我刚刚和Ricky从那个哥们牧场回来1justgotbackfromthatDudeRanchwithRicky.真的很好玩他送了我这个作为礼物Itwasrea
6、llyfun.Heboughtthisformeasagift.一顶来自你牛靓仔的牛仔帽Acowboyhatfromyourcowboyfriend.哦听起来像是他是头牛崽Oh,thatmakesitsoundlikehe,sacow.来自你的牛仔靓仔你的牛仔靓Fromyourcowboyboyfriend.Yourboycow-cowboy.叫他RiCky”就好-好吧行JustcallhimRicky.-Okay,great.好了各位Okay,everyone.好消息一大堆老年人感染了衣原体Greatnews:Lotsofoldpeoplehavechlamydia.呜Whoo!Pawnee
7、的老年人有很多空闲时间SeniorsinPawneehavealotoftimeontheirhands,而他们用这些时间做的andwhattheyredoingwiththattime就是埋头苦“干“老当益壮isgoingatithard,oldpeople-style.他们中有很多没有正规的性教育Alotofthemhaventhadpropersexeducation,结果性病就开始春游了andasaresult,STDsarehavingafieldday.真的很厉害这一小撮老家伙Itsamazingwhatafewoldguyscando能用一点点魅力和一大堆阴虱做出啥来withal
8、ittlebitofcharmandalotofcrabs.好了性♥爱♥复仇者们Okay,sexavengers,这些老顽固们的积习非常难改theseoldfogiesareverysetintheirways.他们全部磕上了抗勃起障碍药而又没啥顾虑了TheyrehoppeduponE.D.medicationandtheygotnothingtolose,因为反IE也都快死掉了causetheyreclosetodeath.此夕卜老年人们也都挺爱发火的Also,seniorscanbeprettyornery.呃实际上我觉得你说的应该是“发♥情&he
9、arts;吧Uh,actually,Ithinkitspronouncedhorny.我有个主意我们假装是老年人Ihaveanidea.Letspretendthatwereoldpeople,而我们可以问Ann我们最恶心最变♥态♥的性问题andwecanaskAnnourgrossest,mostpervertedsexquestions.我先开始我是个老太太了我还需要个啥避孕呢llstart.manoldlady,whydoIneedbirthcontrol?约翰逊1963-1969年就任总统我从约翰逊当总统时就没月经了1haventhadmymonthlysi
10、nceLBJwaspresident.嗯对老年人而言我们不会那么担心怀孕问题Well,withtheelderly,Wearenotsoconcernedwithpregnancy.我们更担心的是疾病Weremoreconcernedwithdisease.阴毛变老之后会长长吗Dopubichairsgetlongertheolderyouget?我不觉得不会Idontthinkso,no.因为我就是这样Becausethat,shappeningtome.我该怎么做啊WhatshouldIdo?我哪里能搞到能吃的润滑液啊WherecanIgetlubethatishealthytoeat?我
11、自己开电动轮椅轧到蛋了Iranovermytesticleswithmyjazzyscooter.我觉得你很可以小护士Ithinkyouregoodtogo,nursey.我想跳上那个小火车呜呜Iwanttojumponthatcaboose.Choochoo!你永远不该喝润滑液Youshouldnevereatlube,而你需要马上看医生youneedtoseeadoctorimmediately,还有我很抱歉先生但上我这趟车需要40岁以下andmsorry,sir,butyouhavetobeunder40toridethistrain.哦就该这么干啊孩子们Oh!Thatshowyoudo
12、it,kids.棒Nice.LeRonJames我们还约早饭吗LeRonJames.Westillonforbreakfast?你上班迟到了一个半小时Youareanhourandahalflateforwork.是啊抱歉我用不了GPSYeah.Sorry.IcantusemyGPS,但我搞明白了butIfigureditout.我就开车兜圈直到我看到认识的东西IjustdrovearoundincirclesuntilIsawsomethingfamiliar.你上班也就五公里啊Youlive3milesfromhere.5.47我的GPS是这么说的3.4,accordingtomyGPS,
13、我曾经每天用的那个whichIusedtouseeveryday.禁止使用我一周不能用屏幕了Icantusescreensforaweek.没啥大不了的我在适应呢Bigdeal!madapting.我做了一个现实版的Pinterest板Ibuiltareal-lifePinterestboard.我真心希望那些是能点的Ireallywishyoucouldclickthose.哇他来了巴拉克奥巴马Wow,thereheis,BarackObama.他的名字是DaVidMurray议员HisnameiscongressmanDavidMurray,他是我们的老板而且他是白人heisourboss
14、andheiswhite.别丢我的脸Dontembarrassme.Murray议员我是BenWyattCongressmanMurray,mBenWyatt,特区总参谋部的协同主任coordinatingdirectorofD.C.Operations.百货战警的主角PaulBlart而我是AprilBlart百货战警AndIamAprilBlart,mallcop.棒很高兴终于见到你BenGreat!Itsapleasuretofinallymeetyou,Ben.听到很多好话Heardsuchgreatthings.哦嗯我真心感觉我已经认识你了Oh,well,Ireallyfeellik
15、eIknowyoualready.我看过你所有的演讲和辩论Ivewatchedallofyourspeechesanddebates.很鼓舞人心Itsveryinspiring.感谢你BenThankyou,Ben.也感谢你们所有人的辛劳付出Andthankyouallforyourhardwork.现在保持冷静吧今天外面很热呢Now,staycool.Itsahotoneouttheretoday.确实是啊Thatsright,你几乎能在人行道上煎蛋了youcouldpracticallycookaneggonthesidewalk.太好了Terrific.好的我们来确认我们已经准备好明天的策略会议了Okay,Iefsmakesurew
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