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1、好了这是你的演讲稿Okay,heresthetextforyourspeech.我加了几个段子在结尾嘲笑了下EagletonIaddedafewmorejokes,slammingEagletonattheend.嗯那是你对我说过最性感的事情了Mmm.That,sthesexiestthingyouveeversaidtome.我太高兴你和我一队了msogladyoureonmyteam.你确定要在这场新闻发布会上攻击他们吗Areyousureyouwannaattackematthispressconference?这只是场有个友好赌注的高中篮球赛啊lt,safriendlywagerona
2、highschoolbasketballgame.我正在输掉罢免选举啊Benmlosingtherecallelection,Ben.嘲笑Eagleton是最简单的得分方式了SlammingEagletonistheeasiestwaytoscoresomepoints.你看我为此自豪吗1.ook.AmIproudofit?是因为Eagleton很烂Yes.BecauseEagletonsucks.但这一招上档次吗Butisittheclassiestmove?是因为Eagleton很烂Yes,becauseEagletonsucks.我会再做一次吗是的因为Eagleton很烂WouldIdo
3、itagain?Yes,becauseEagletonsucks.今年轮到我们主持Pawnee-Eagleton篮球赛Thisyear,wegettohostthePawnee-Eagletontip-offclassic.那位糟糕的人类是IngriddeForestThatawfulhumanbeingisIngriddeForest.她是Eagleton的市议员ShesacitycouncilorfromEagleton.她觉得自己好棒啊因为她赢得了印第安纳小姐选美比赛ShethinksshessogreatbecauseshewontheMissIndianaBeautyPageant.
4、就在去年她还任职的时候1.astyear.Whileshewasinoffice.而且有孕在身Andpregnant.如往常一样我们想跟Eagleton打个友好的赌Asalways,wewouldliketomakeafriendlywagerwithEagleton.如果你们今年打败我们Ifyoubeatusthisyear,我们会给你一篮子苹果来自我们的Pawnee果园WewillgiveyouabasketofapplesfromourPawneeorchard.恶心杀虫剂呸Ew,pesticide.Yuck.哦不这些是没有杀虫剂的Oh,no,thesearepesticide-free
5、.我早上早饭吃了一个我在里面发现r条虫子Iateoneoftheseforbreakfastthismorning,andIfoundaworminit.所以我赌有人现在感觉挺蠢的吧So,Ibetsomebodyfeelsprettystupidrightnow.嗯Leslie我觉得我们想法类似Well,Leslie,Ithinkwehadsimilarideas.如果你们赢了Eagleton会给你们这篮橘子Ifyouwin,Eagletonwillgiveyouthisbasketoforanges.”苹果和橘子”当然不同类的东西比起来挺傻的但管他呢Ofcourse,itssillytoco
6、mpareapplesandoranges,butwhattheheck.它们是用施华洛世奇水晶做成的价值七十万美金ThesearemadeofSwarovskicrystal,andtheyreworth$700,000.1.eSlie你在罢免选举的最新民调中降低了15个百分点1.eslie,youredown15pointsinthelatestpollfortherecallelection.你要怎么做来弥补欠缺呢Whatcanyoudotomakeupthedeficit?我来跟你说如果我是Eagleton人会怎么做吧lltellyouwhatddoifIwasanEagletonia
7、n.我会来片镇静剂然后找我管家来帮我dpopaXanaxandaskmybutlertohelpmeout.我的意思是我不是在说Eagleton人不食人间烟火Imean,mnotsayingthatEagletoniansareoutoftouch.但是如果你跟他们说该换机油了他们会问Butwhenyoutellemitstimetochangetheiroil,theyask,初榨橄榄油还是白松露啊“Extravirginorwhitetruffle?谢伙计们我们比赛见Thanks,guys.Illseeyaatthegame.当然除非你是个Eagleton人Unless,ofcourse,
8、youreanEagletonian,那时你会在你的鱼子酱店里忙着擦亮你的单片眼镜呢andthenyoullbetoobusypolishingyourmonocleatthecaviarstore.Knope走人Knopeout.公园与游憩公园与游憩第6季第3集第6季第3集谁或者什么是PennySaver啊WhoorwhatisPennySaver?是种有一堆优♥惠♥券的免费传♥单♥Itsafreecircularwithabunchofcouponsinit.这是给RonSwanson的但是送到了Diane的地址Thiswassent
9、toRonSwansonatDianesaddress,我才刚在那住了不到一个月wherevelivedforlessthanamonth.这是怎么可能的Howisthatpossible?这是极度的隐私侵犯Thisisanextremeinvasionofprivacy.隐私权对我非常的重要Therighttoprivacyisveryimportanttome.我的家庭几代人用的都是同一个邮箱MyfamilyhashadasingleP.O.boxforseveralgenerations.我们只订阅过两种杂♥志♥读者文摘和乌木Weonlyeversubscri
10、betotwomagazines,ReadersDigestandEbony.黑人杂♥志♥乌木是因为办事员错误Ebonywasduetoaclericalerror,但最后那一年的阅读体验挺有趣的butitendedupbeinganinterestingyearofreading.我不知道这是怎么送给我的但不能再发生了Idontknowhowthiswasdeliveredtome,butitcannothappenagain.我要怎么停止HowcanIstopit?嗯Donna很擅长这种事情Mm.Donnaisgreatwiththissortofthing.她
11、把我从Williams-Sonoma家居的邮寄名单上去掉了但我又重新登记了ShegotmeofftheWilliams-Sonomamailinglist,butthenIjustsignedbackupagain.爰上了他们的烤箱手套Hookedontheirovenmitts.我被那些手套套牢了Ineedmymittsonthosemitts.Donna回来时第一时间通知我1.etmeknowthesecondDonnareturns.根据她的TWitter流五分钟前她去买♥♥咖啡了AccordingtoherTwitterfeed,shegotcoffeefi
12、veminutesago.等等现在她在直播走回来的过程Wait,nowshesUstreamingherwalkback.她应该快到了三二一Sheshouldbehereinthree,two,one.嘿嘿Hey,hey.#咖啡冒险#炸掉了我的时间线Hashtagquestforcoffee,blowinupmytimeline.你收到了相关的Snapchat吗Yougetmysnapchataboutit?没啊-啥No.-What?在这呢Thereitis.嘿你想见我吗-是的Hey,youwantedtoseeme?-1did.快点思考-哦天啊Thinkfast.-Oh,myGod.嘿按键博
13、士-Hey,Dr.Buttons-我是说我的老计算器它没有名字Imean,myoldcalculator.Itdoesnthaveaname.你为啥朝我扔这个啊Whydidyouthrowthisatme?我刚刚挂掉和我们以前在Indianapolis老板的电♥话♥IjustgotoffthephonewithouroldbossfromIndianapolis,显然在Eagleton可能有某种预算问题andapparentlytheremaybesomesortofabudgetprobleminEagleton.他问我们愿不愿意过去看看Heaskedifmayb
14、eyouandIwouldnthavealook.你来吗Youin?电影虎豹小霸王ButchCassidyandtheSundanceKid“数报小霸王”重新聚首ButchCount-sidyandtheSum-danceKid,togetheragain.嗯-审计兄弟Hmm.-Auditingbros!耶还有审计姐妹儿我们来吧Yeah,andauditingsistah.Letsdothis.哦你也来啊Oh,yourecoming?如果Eagleton有问题的话那我想到场啊Ifthere1SaproblemwithEagleton,Iwannabethere.简直就是梦想成真Thatslik
15、eadreamcometrue.此外我有个新的本子正在写Besides,Ihaveanewroutinemworkingon.有点像是JeffFoxworthy那种但是是关于Eagleton的KindoflikeaJeffFoxworthy-typething,butaboutEagleton.俄♥国♥珠宝工匠法贝热的珠宝作品如果你是用法贝热彩蛋做煎蛋的话IfyoumakeyouromeletoutofFabergeeggs,你就有可能.-是个Eagleton人youjustmight.-BeanEagletonian.好耶公路旅行Yippee!Roadtrip!谁去Bloomington很激动啊Who,sexcitedtogotoBloomington?你就坐那里啊Isthatwhereyouregonnasit?是我开车啊我